Brennan’s Existentialist and (not so) Literary Bollocks
Waste of Space Department
Minutes of a meeting of the Waste of Space Management Team (WoSMT) held on Tuesday 31November 2011 at 2.00 pm in Meeting Room 7
Present: Gerard Brennan (Chair), Aaron Aardvark, Angel, Michael Jackson, MC Hammer, JoJo Monkeybrains and Nigel Zombie
Apologies Sam Adams Beer
1 Previous Minutes
The minutes of 31 September 2011 were considered to be a true record.
2 Matters Arising from the Minutes of 31 September 2011
3 Existentialism Reports
3.1 Gerard Brennan reporting
GB posed the question: What the fuck’s the point, really?
Board Members told him to shut up. GB threatened to take the ball home and tell his ma. BM reminded GB of his flexisheet projections and extended teabreak violations. GB huffed and refused to participate further.
3.2 Aaron Aardvark reporting
“Apologies. Am apparently absent and apathetic. Am attending attitude alignment and astrology assembly afterwards.”
3.3 Angel Reporting
Angel wished to raise a personal issue. When reminded by the chair that this was not the venue the chair was in turn reminded that he was on huff leave and so had surrendered all pretences of actual power in a system that rewards diligence and enthusiasm with career dead ends and panders to the ineffective through legislation and fear of anachronistic unions. GB returned to huff leave.
Angel regained control of the meeting. She reminded the chiefs (and by assumption all their indians) that it is against inequality legislation to remark that there is space at the top of the Christmas tree in a knowing and (allegedly) humorous manner. Attending chiefs (and by association all their indians – including those on long term sick leave, disciplinary suspension and suicide watch) apologised profusely. Nigel Zombie offered a pedicure and fellatio as a quantitative measure of repentance. He was referred to HR for a refresher course.
3.4 Michael Jackson Reporting
MJ complained that he wasn’t taken seriously… It was close to impossible to make out anything else he said after this point as the board members began to mock him in high-pitched harmony. GB’s PA believes that he may have said something along the lines of “Sha-mon” but reserves the right to withdraw this remark should evidence be presented to the contrary. Fortunately, MJ has had to develop a sense of humour since he came to the organisation on a graduate entry scheme and he isn’t really entitled to the same level of respect as wee Mickey No-Stars who should have gotten the job, in fairness. Mickey’s been loyal to the organisation since his ma pulled the glue bag out of his hands and pushed him through the door in the early seventies. People don’t even mind his nervous tics anymore.
3.5 MC Hammer Reporting
Stop. Hammer Time. Just for a minute, the board members did the bump. Do-do-do-do-do dooooo dooooo.
3.6 JoJo Monkeybrains reporting
JM apologised for throwing faeces at the last meeting. GB remarked that it had become a regular feature of the meetings that, though unpleasant, was almost bearable so late in the fiscal year. JM asked if her duties could be revaluated. MJ sniggered and said, “You said doodies.” JM threw faeces at him and the BM approved the motion.
3.7 Nigel Zombie Reporting
Austerity Report Workshops: Workshops to help departments with their austerity reports are ongoing. The Waste of Space department’s workshop took place on 31 November and it was reported to have gone very well. A workshop will be held for other equally wasteful departments on 32 December. Staff are getting used to the new format and it is hoped to carry out a quick review of austerity for 2012/13 after Christmas. This will contribute to society in no way whatsoever, nor will it imbue participants with a feeling of job satisfaction. It will, however, justify the inflated salaries of the upper-middle and middle-upper management drones. This will strain the economy a little but eventually improve consumer spend in Marksies. However, GB is still not permitted to camp out on Writers’ Square with all the interesting-looking hippies who have pet dogs on strings and instant barbeques bought from ASDA (AKA Walmart) using JSA payments funded by the 99 percent who are actually at work and not really to blame for the global deficit, whatever that is. #occupybelfast
Admin Review: Officers noted that AA and JM represented the Waste of Space department on the working group set up to conduct a review of the board’s administration. AA offered JM a prayer book. JM said something very off-colour about AA’s higher power.
4 Strategic Issues
4.1 Keep the staff demotivated.
No need for further clarification. Staff wouldn’t understand it.
4.2 Savings Delivery Plan:
‘Strategic’ redundancy payments will save money in twenty years time.
GB explained that there had been a number of expressions of interest for voluntary severance across the organisation and that business cases had been submitted to the ether. Fortunately, many of the applicants did not read the small print. Medical research will be very interesting this year.
4.4 Vacancy Control
Sick Pay has been cast as the bad guy to distract from the real forces of deceit at play. Smoke and Mirrors, baby.
4.5 Business Cases
GB extended his thanks to A for her work on the business cases for voluntary severance and for the refreshments provided at the meeting. He did not get the irony intended in serving finger foods.
On behalf of the finance management team, GB wished all staff a very happy and peaceful Christmas. HR will issue him with a memo to reprimand him for only wishing Christians a happy holiday season.
There being no further business and an absence of Sam Adams Beer, the meeting ended at 3.20 pm.